Is your child a bully? - MyFoxTallahassee.com

You would climb any mountain to keep your child from being hurt by a bully. But how would you feel if the child you love was the one doing the bullying? Many parents would be angry, others indifferent and a few, unfortunately, even proud. What they might not feel is worried. Research shows, though, that both the bully and his victim can be harmed by his behavior.

How bullying affects the bully

Bullies are more likely than others to:

• Fail in school
• Suffer from depression and other emotional problems
• Face a future of crime and violence
• Abuse tobacco, alcohol and drugs

Types of bullying

According to the National Institutes of Health, more than five million students are bullied each year. Bullying can be physical or verbal, and may include the use of electronic communication, such as sending text messages to threaten another person.

Indirect bullying involves intentionally excluding someone from a group or preventing that person from making friends. This type of bullying is much more common in girls than boys. It's more subtle, but just as harmful. This, too, often includes use of the Internet or text messaging to humiliate the victim or turn classmates against her.

Who does it - and why?

In one survey, kids said the main reason they bully is because they think it will make them more popular. Other reasons are that they:

• Are being bullied themselves
• Are easily frustrated or anxious
• Lack empathy and sympathy for others
• Crave power
• Think it will help them fit in
• Want to be in charge and get their own way
• Think they are better than the children they bully
• Are bullied at home by siblings
• Are impulsive
• Aren't well-supervised by parents
• Are stronger than other children
• Have bad tempers and get frustrated when someone gets in their way

"Passive" bullying

Many children don't actively engage in bullying, but stand by while other kids are bullied and say nothing. They might also join in the taunting, thinking it's OK because they didn't start it.

When a child is attacked repeatedly, he is gradually seen by others as worthless and "deserving it." This makes bystanders feel less guilty about joining in or not intervening. If your child is involved in passive bullying, let her know that if she doesn't help the victim or joins in, she is as wrong as the bully who started it.

Helping your child change

If you find out your child is bullying other children, intervene as soon as possible. Otherwise, your child may continue with antisocial behavior that will last a lifetime.

• Talk to your child. Try to learn the reason for his behavior. See if his friends also bully others. Ask if he is being bullied by anyone.
• Teach her respect and compassion. Ask how she would feel in a similar situation. Let her know that it's not OK to hurt others - whether it's by kicking them, destroying their friendships or calling them names.
• Tell him what you expect. Make it clear that you won't tolerate bullying and that there will be consequences if it happens again. Let him know exactly what those consequences will be.
• Examine the situation at home. Do you, your spouse or your other children ever bully your child?
• Be a positive role model. If you resolve conflicts with anger or violence, your child will, too.
• Give praise. When you see her behave with empathy and kindness, let her know how proud you are. Praise goes much farther than punishment in changing behavior.
• Get her involved. Show her that pent-up anger or frustration can be released in a positive way. Get her involved in a hobby like photography, or a physical activity like soccer, swimming, tennis, softball or track.

Working with your child's school

Bullying takes place more often in school than any other location. Meet with your child's teacher, guidance counselor or principal. Many schools have anti-bullying programs and staff who are trained to help not just the victim, but also the bully.